The Next Post.

So, here it is, the inevitable has happened. The one promise I made to myself this year was to not work myself to the ground.

The one condition I said for returning to my current job was I wasn't going to get to the point when every little action or comment got to me. I was going to make sure that I didn't run myself to the ground. Today I have failed. I am currently at the point where I am too exhausted to function properly and I'm not quite sure how I am making it through the day.

One fact that I must point out; it is not to say I haven't enjoyed the things I have done to be so busy. I have thoroughly enjoyed every second. However I have now realised it's all caught up with me and I can't go on being this pointlessly stressed, purely because of not sleeping enough. I know I've said it in my last couple of blogs, but I can't stress the point enough of how important it is to rest. If you have two days off work, plan nothing if you've either worked extra or been on an adventure. I know I'm doing that, that's for sure. 

For once though, I am proud of myself. I'm proud of the fact that I'm not an emotional wreck and having panic/ anxiety attacks and blaming it on everything/ everybody else but myself. Instead, I have taken the slightly more mature approach and called the one woman I love most, my mum, told her that I was exhausted and that something was about to happen. She, and myself in a way, managed to stop it in time. 

So in a way I have learnt something from all of this: obviously listen to my own advice and understand that my anxiety has definitely not been 100% cured. 

However something I have genuinely learnt is that even if I don't think my anxiety will ever be cured, I can sure as hell control it a lot better than before. I've stood up to my problems, faced them head on and found a way to fight it. 

That battle of my emotions has begun... 

Bring. It. On.

Number 8.

So today is one of them days where I have tried to cheer myself up so badly, but for some reason can't. It's frustrating because I woke up in a bad mood and have been feeling so great lately. All I am saying is: it's amazing how much one little detail can change the course of your day.

The feeling of not knowing if you have wronged someone is always an awful feeling. It's what paranoia stupidly does to me. It's what anxiety unfortunately does to me. Every little thing I do is always backed up by a question and I'm frankly getting sick of thinking that something is always wrong when it actually isn't. I know I'm not perfect but some reassurance is all that's needed. 

I'm one of them people who feels the need to prove themselves to others so they can be valued as a friend. I try my damned hardest in everything I do, none more so than being there for my friends whenever I can. It's starting to grate on me when I don't get the same appreciation back. Treat others how you wish to be treated. It's not rocket science. 

Realising that I'm running myself to the ground is not good, and I've done that this week or two for celebratory reason; but every action has a consequence, think about it. I now have to deal with the fact that I missed out on a couple of things because I was so busy doing something else. 

One lesson I've learnt today: Karma is a bitch.

I just need to listen to my own advice and relax for a bit now. Relaxing officially starts from tonight.

Starting right now... 

The First in a Long Time.

As the title of this post suggests, it has been a really long time since I wrote a blog. That's not to say I have not been thinking about it: if anything I have been trying to live it, breathe it and make it my own.

Many drafts of this have been thought about and written down, and some have been practically hellish to read or talk about. However, looking back on my drafts I have one simple conclusion: I repeat myself about the things that worry me and the truth is I have far fewer worries in my life than I make out to have.

There have been many obstacles over these last few months, none more so than my self doubt and all time low in confidence. I feel like I have overcome just some of these, or at the very least tried, and I am finally starting to feel like my happy self again. I must point out that this doesn't mean I am beaming with confidence and am willing to do/wear/say things I wouldn't usually, it just means that I've settled with what I have and I'm really glad with the results. I can't remember the last time I felt comfortable with where I am, how my life is lived and who I am as a person. I don't like to think that I've changed my ways or I've turned over a new leaf; that's for people who need a drastic change to realise their faults. 

I feel like all I've done is grow up. Yes, I still worry about matters previously mentioned in my blogs but the main reason for such a delay in my posts is that I am coming to the realisation that there's all the time in the world to achieve the things I want to, to have the desires I crave for. I don't need all the things I thought I did to get to where I am now. The little things matter just as much as the big ones. 

These last few weeks have been full of surprises, some have been absolutely wonderful, some not so much, but one thing I can guarantee from this time: with the people I have, old and new, that have been there for me throughout this, I feel completely on top of the world. I've made new friends, a new life, caught up with old friends, had a cracking birthday, and most of all, I've had time to relax. I can't stress enough how important it is to just take that one day off from everything and everyone, sit in your pjs and do f*** all. It's bliss. 

Now is the time I start living life as I want to, and face things when they come at me, and not anticipating the next bad thing that will come my way. Now is the time for a slightly more grown up me.