The R Words...

The two R words that are always on a girl's mind... Relationships and Romance. These have been on my mind a lot, ever since I was a little girl, but I'm at a time in my life where I realise that the two words do not necessarily come hand in hand anymore. The tradition of romance is definitely fading. Well it may not be to most, but in my life it most definitely is. 

I'm going to go through these two words one at a time: 

* Relationships:

 They are a ball ache. Fact. They can be an exciting, exhilarating and amazing time, but they require a lot of effort. These days they seem harder to come by. However, as much as I love the idea of a relationship right now, I have recently discovered that there is a fine line between what constitutes a relationship and what doesn't. The issue is whether you are willing to cross it or not. I firmly believe that every person, at some point in their life, will have two types of friend: the one of the gender you're usually attracted to that you are not personally attracted to, but you will always be friends. Then there's the other, the one friend of the gender you're attracted to that you will always have feelings for and always end up going back to. Somehow, someway, it will happen. I can guarantee. That's the only time that the line should ever become apparent, and my advice... If the line is clear as day then cross it, if it's blurred then question whether it's worth it. At the end of the day, if they value you so much then they will be friends with you no matter what. 

This line keeps appearing to me recently, I'm trying to live my life by myself for a while, but the more I'm by myself the more I realise that the answer has been trying to get to me for a long time. I'm just hoping that if it ever comes to it that I am brave enough to cross that line. 

* Romance: 

I have always been a big fan of romance, the soppier the better for me, but with my history, I am questioning the importance of regular romance. I don't know whether it's because I've always been so traditional in my ideologies or whether it is simply because I watch too much Disney, but sometimes I wonder if it just me that never seems to receive it. Sometimes I think to myself that I want it so much that I end up watching a film just to see it. Then the endless cycle begins of if I see it I get down because it's not happening to me, but I enjoy seeing it too much. 

Is it too much to ask for a girl to ask for one romantic gesture?

If anybody is willing to volunteer for it then it would be greatly received! Haha. I am, of course, joking. I'm not going to force it on to anyone. 

To me, romance is a sign that someone really enjoys your company and wants to be with you for who you are, and the best way of someone telling you that they want you, and only you. 

My issue is this: I'm too busy fantasising about the connection between these two R words that I'm blinded by what's in front of me. I need to grasp what is obvious and go with it, rather than force a situation in which someone may become uncomfortable by the idea of having to be romantic to be with me. I'm not saying that you have to be romantic to make a relationship work, or to be with me, but that one little gesture goes a long, long way.  I'm simply too scared to approach the line and see if romance is on the other side. 

A Pleasant Surprise.

Well the last day or two have been a sign for me. A sign of a positive change, an improvement upon my character.

I have started to gain something back that I never thought was possible today, after the last couple of years knocked me back: Confidence. 

I have surprised myself, I've had the guts to talk to people I don't usually and have been able to stand up for myself in situations I otherwise wouldn't be able to. I shocked myself as I had been kidding myself that it wouldn't happen, but I did. And even though I don't feel any different I believe it's one of the biggest accomplishments so far on my journey to identification. 

This could, quite frankly, not come at a better time as I now have a nice few days off to relax, drink, and most excitingly of all go to a festival with my two most favourite people in this entire world. I will strangely miss work and my team lots, but I have so much to look forward to in my time off. 

This post is short, and short for a reason. Because I discovered something by doing/ saying so little, which is strange coming from someone as talkative as me! 

Here is to my much needed time off. Bring. It. On! 

Bugger.

So... Monday morning, the one thing I had been dreading for a long time now happened. And I hate myself for it. I don't even know why it happened, what my trigger was, but it did. 

I was walking round my scenic, beautiful place of work when it hit me like a freight train. This sudden sense of panic kicked in. I was panicking because I thought I was a failure, because I was struggling and scared to do something on my own. On top of this I was trying to fight off my exhaustion; I was literally running on fumes. I had a panic attack. My first one in a long time. I went to the top of where I was in the pure hope that I could calm myself down, but I couldn't. Not only had I failed my team, my manager, but I had failed myself. I've not felt this devastated in a long time. This devastation caused me to be tearful even more at the first point of human contact, which was thankfully my sister; if it had been anybody else I would have seemed like a mentalist. 

You know them mornings when you wake up feeling like everyone hates you and you dread stepping out in public? Well I don't know if everyone has them, but I do, and this morning was one of the most painful ones yet. I have so many people on my mind that probably think less of me, or at the least temporarily dislike me. It all relates back to Monday. I feel so incredibly bad for the people that were around me then as I was not in my right frame of mind. 

If anything, this experience hasn't exactly upset me, it has pissed me off more than anything. I thought I was doing so well, and I genuinely feel a lot better in myself as a person, but at least I know what I have to do to stop it happening again. For now, I have to think of myself as number one. No-one is going to put my needs first, so someone needs to! I know where my mistakes were, and I know I can avoid it happening so badly, but I can't lie in saying that that awful Monday morning was a terrifying eye-opener. 

It's not about me wanting to change anymore, it's about me needing to change. 

I promise you all, as of from now, I am evolving. I am going to develop my skills and change my perception on my conditions so I can get rid of all of this excess baggage. Literally.