Karma.

Karma. 

Sometimes it can be the best thing ever. Sometimes it's an absolute bitch. At the moment I feel like it's practically bullying me. I just ask for a nice week, the calm before the storm as such. Do I get it? Do I boot. 

I have been so proud of myself lately, so dignified and avoided all forms of confrontation and backstabbing. I have been a decent person who cares about others more than herself and I try and help out wherever and whoever I can without battering an eyelid. However it seems as if I am only allowed one good thing to happen to me at a time. They always say bad things come in 3's... Why can't good things too? For every one piece of good I have been recognised for I get another 3 shitty pieces of news that just throw me back to square one and make me think there's no point in even trying on myself anymore. 

So is this karma just telling me to give up? Is this karma telling me to buck my ideas up and sort my almost unnecessary life out of being alone and being nowhere near achieving your dreams? Or is this a sign that something big and wonderful will hopefully be coming my way soon? I don't really know but either way I wish it would stop making me so emotional. I've got no time for tears now. 

I've gone so back to square one that I barely have the confidence to publish these blogs anymore. I feel like there is nothing but negativity as every time I try to be positive something tells me I'm not allowed to be. As much as writing these blogs genuinely does help me, and I thoroughly recommend them to anyone else who has difficulty saying what's on their mind, every time I write them I get teary eyed at the thought of helplessness. Hopefully one good read and one good cry is all I need. 

Wondering Why...

Why do I even bother? 

Why do I always seem to go for the guy who is unavailable in some way or another, whether it be they are trying to get over someone, trying to get with someone else or are already with them, why do I end up always going for them.

I seem to be attached to the wrong person/ people. It seems as if the moment I think or utter the dreaded "F" word (feelings) they always crop up saying "I need to tell you something" or "I think the same BUT". Bloody hell I hate that word. Actually the worst word in the English language. I always ask them not to say or do certain things and they do them, which makes me more in to them. You get so absorbed thinking they're genuinely in to you when actually all they want is a bit of attention and a cheap thrill. They say everything you want to hear and at the time you believe every little word they say, then BOOM- like a freight train they come out with some home truth that ruins any chance you thought there was. You automatically feel used and like everything that they ever said to you was a lie. This is all too often an occurrence for me and I promise that if I ever meet anyone else, which I probably won't, I will definitely not let them get me in to the state I have been for the last 3 or 4 months. 

I blame one thing, and one thing only for this...

A few months ago I joined an app called Tinder. Now, at the time I genuinely thought Tinder was a dating app- heck two of my bestest friends have gotten boyfriends out of it, so I thought why not give it a go myself. That app has messed me around and messed my head up more than I ever thought possible. There are only 2 things that have come good out of it: 1) A solid friendship that I intend on keeping. 2) The fact that I now know how to protect my heart.

I have worn my heart on my sleeve my entire life, letting people in and trusting people way too easily. Not anymore. My head is all over the place, I can't lie. The next two weeks on my own, without my housemate, is going to be a real challenge for me. I'm hoping that by the time he comes back I'll be myself again who realises that I don't necessarily need to be with someone, it's that I just want to be with someone. 

One of, if not the main reason for me seeming so determined to find love, or at least potential, is peer pressure. All of my friends bar one or two are in serious relationships, married, or have kids. They have that loving commitment that I haven't had for a long time. I don't have that person to come home to everyday, kiss them and ask them how their day has been. And as much as I do not let it get to me, because all of my friends and their partners are amazing, it does. I feel as if though there is pressure on me to get in that same situation. Everyone seems to be getting their life together and I kind of feel at a stand still at the moment. Not just with men but with my entire life.

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago but have only just decided to publish this now for 2 reasons. 1) Things are still happening which I am only just starting to figure and sort out. 2) Because it's only now I feel confident enough to publish this as it is my most honest and revealing post yet. So there it is, this is 75% of what's been on my mind and getting me down so much recently. Now it may not seem like anything, but I can promise you it is. Not only does this aspect mean a lot to me, but also those who do know will know exactly why I am so emotional about this now. 

Maybe this is the start of a new approach to me? I'm now gaining confidence, organising my life and therefore I can organise my looks. Now is my time to look as good as my friends and attempt a new me. 

I Just Don't Know What to Do with Myself.

There's been two things I've realised about myself, two big things, that have led me to writing this particular blog post. This may seem very generic to anyone who has been reading my previous blogs but I feel like my discoveries have helped me understand myself a bit more and now I can attempt to evolve, rather than change. 

First discovery: a friend of mine a long time ago once told me that I can never just be by myself- I always have to pine for someone, be attracted to someone. I used to profusely deny this statement. Now I realise he was completely right. I am almost dependent on wanting somebody that I forget it's okay to be single, it's like I've convinced myself that being single is the worst possible outcome in life. It's not. Obviously the fact that my anxiety is triggered by being on my own is probably not the ideal in terms of independence, but at least I can now attempt to convince myself that being single is okay. 

Second discovery: most, if not all, of my blog posts are about love, or relationships, or romance. I've been wondering why on earth this is the case for an age. I've been concerning myself that I am actually quite boring and my anxiety seems like nothing because the main thing that worries me is the concept of being in a relationship. As I have previously stated, it is because I associate being single with being on my own- I don't like the word single but it is what I am. After an amazing holiday I got talking with a friend of mine from said holiday. We got into a pretty deep conversation when she asked "what do you want from life?". It took me back because I said straight away "I want to be someone's wife, someone's love of their life. Some people want kids, some people want the career, some people want the fame, but I want the man in my life who loves me unconditionally." I promise you, no word of a lie, that is exactly what I said. It maybe because of the type of films I watch, or the fact that I am a sucker for romance, but for the first time in my entire life, I know exactly what I want. That is scary and yet wonderful for me. It may seem ridiculous for most but I would happily go my whole life searching for the right man. He must be out there, surely? 

It's not that I don't want the dream job, the nice house and car and everything I have been working hard for my whole life. It is just that the right man for me seems as if that's the way everything will fall into place. I don't know whether it's because I don't have any of my dreams currently now or what but for now I can just keep believing that whoever this guy is, is thinking the same about me now. 

Fit to burst...

One thing comes to mind when I try and calmly put what I have been through with a particular subject these last few months.

The one thing that comes to mind every time I have tried to write this is the film Mean Girls. There's a particular section of the film that rings alarm bells every time I think about it, and I know it is so accurate to everything to do with it at the moment. This is the part I am on about: 

"Aaron Samuels, for example, he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize."

Not exactly in this context but that first question and answer rings so true to me right now. I didn't think  it was possible to be this broken over something that's always portrayed as something so simple to achieve. These last few months has been absolute hell for my emotions, but it has taken one last push to make me able to write this calmly and not in a massive rant like I published before, and then swiftly removed. I regret publishing it but do not regret writing it. It's essentially exactly how I feel, and I will keep it on me for a long time yet.

Why did I delete it? Because even though I have been hurt to the point of me not sleeping or eating properly, I don't want to hurt them in the same way. Because I'm too damn nice (something I have been told way too many times). That's assuming they care about me in that way too. I want to find that inner bitch, like Janis says to Cady, to say what I actually do. 

So, instead of being completely rude and angry (like my last post), I am now going to post parts of it- just to give you a glimpse into what I'm feeling. I'm not ready for everything yet as I've let the wrong people in already: 

It annoys the living hell out of me and I'm not sure how much longer I can stand being walked all over before I snap at the wrong person and make them leave my life for good. 

I am sick of making so much effort with who I think are right people and then they turn out to  just use me and think "oh it's only Hester, she'll understand". It makes me so frustrated that I'm leaving out some of the best people in my life because my mind is so deluded.

I don't understand the harm in just acknowledging you've done something wrong to me before actually speaking to me again. Please don't make me false promises and  please don't tell me things that I want to hear then never commit to it. Don't tell me that my 'personality is lovely'... I know exactly what you're trying to tell me. 

Thanks to this I'm not eating properly, I'm not sleeping properly - more and more every day. 

Please stop taking advantage of my already damaged heart. 

The last line explains is so perfectly that I don't actually know how to finish this post, apart from saying it again: 

Please stop taking advantage of my already damaged heart.

The R Words...

The two R words that are always on a girl's mind... Relationships and Romance. These have been on my mind a lot, ever since I was a little girl, but I'm at a time in my life where I realise that the two words do not necessarily come hand in hand anymore. The tradition of romance is definitely fading. Well it may not be to most, but in my life it most definitely is. 

I'm going to go through these two words one at a time: 

* Relationships:

 They are a ball ache. Fact. They can be an exciting, exhilarating and amazing time, but they require a lot of effort. These days they seem harder to come by. However, as much as I love the idea of a relationship right now, I have recently discovered that there is a fine line between what constitutes a relationship and what doesn't. The issue is whether you are willing to cross it or not. I firmly believe that every person, at some point in their life, will have two types of friend: the one of the gender you're usually attracted to that you are not personally attracted to, but you will always be friends. Then there's the other, the one friend of the gender you're attracted to that you will always have feelings for and always end up going back to. Somehow, someway, it will happen. I can guarantee. That's the only time that the line should ever become apparent, and my advice... If the line is clear as day then cross it, if it's blurred then question whether it's worth it. At the end of the day, if they value you so much then they will be friends with you no matter what. 

This line keeps appearing to me recently, I'm trying to live my life by myself for a while, but the more I'm by myself the more I realise that the answer has been trying to get to me for a long time. I'm just hoping that if it ever comes to it that I am brave enough to cross that line. 

* Romance: 

I have always been a big fan of romance, the soppier the better for me, but with my history, I am questioning the importance of regular romance. I don't know whether it's because I've always been so traditional in my ideologies or whether it is simply because I watch too much Disney, but sometimes I wonder if it just me that never seems to receive it. Sometimes I think to myself that I want it so much that I end up watching a film just to see it. Then the endless cycle begins of if I see it I get down because it's not happening to me, but I enjoy seeing it too much. 

Is it too much to ask for a girl to ask for one romantic gesture?

If anybody is willing to volunteer for it then it would be greatly received! Haha. I am, of course, joking. I'm not going to force it on to anyone. 

To me, romance is a sign that someone really enjoys your company and wants to be with you for who you are, and the best way of someone telling you that they want you, and only you. 

My issue is this: I'm too busy fantasising about the connection between these two R words that I'm blinded by what's in front of me. I need to grasp what is obvious and go with it, rather than force a situation in which someone may become uncomfortable by the idea of having to be romantic to be with me. I'm not saying that you have to be romantic to make a relationship work, or to be with me, but that one little gesture goes a long, long way.  I'm simply too scared to approach the line and see if romance is on the other side. 

A Pleasant Surprise.

Well the last day or two have been a sign for me. A sign of a positive change, an improvement upon my character.

I have started to gain something back that I never thought was possible today, after the last couple of years knocked me back: Confidence. 

I have surprised myself, I've had the guts to talk to people I don't usually and have been able to stand up for myself in situations I otherwise wouldn't be able to. I shocked myself as I had been kidding myself that it wouldn't happen, but I did. And even though I don't feel any different I believe it's one of the biggest accomplishments so far on my journey to identification. 

This could, quite frankly, not come at a better time as I now have a nice few days off to relax, drink, and most excitingly of all go to a festival with my two most favourite people in this entire world. I will strangely miss work and my team lots, but I have so much to look forward to in my time off. 

This post is short, and short for a reason. Because I discovered something by doing/ saying so little, which is strange coming from someone as talkative as me! 

Here is to my much needed time off. Bring. It. On! 

Bugger.

So... Monday morning, the one thing I had been dreading for a long time now happened. And I hate myself for it. I don't even know why it happened, what my trigger was, but it did. 

I was walking round my scenic, beautiful place of work when it hit me like a freight train. This sudden sense of panic kicked in. I was panicking because I thought I was a failure, because I was struggling and scared to do something on my own. On top of this I was trying to fight off my exhaustion; I was literally running on fumes. I had a panic attack. My first one in a long time. I went to the top of where I was in the pure hope that I could calm myself down, but I couldn't. Not only had I failed my team, my manager, but I had failed myself. I've not felt this devastated in a long time. This devastation caused me to be tearful even more at the first point of human contact, which was thankfully my sister; if it had been anybody else I would have seemed like a mentalist. 

You know them mornings when you wake up feeling like everyone hates you and you dread stepping out in public? Well I don't know if everyone has them, but I do, and this morning was one of the most painful ones yet. I have so many people on my mind that probably think less of me, or at the least temporarily dislike me. It all relates back to Monday. I feel so incredibly bad for the people that were around me then as I was not in my right frame of mind. 

If anything, this experience hasn't exactly upset me, it has pissed me off more than anything. I thought I was doing so well, and I genuinely feel a lot better in myself as a person, but at least I know what I have to do to stop it happening again. For now, I have to think of myself as number one. No-one is going to put my needs first, so someone needs to! I know where my mistakes were, and I know I can avoid it happening so badly, but I can't lie in saying that that awful Monday morning was a terrifying eye-opener. 

It's not about me wanting to change anymore, it's about me needing to change. 

I promise you all, as of from now, I am evolving. I am going to develop my skills and change my perception on my conditions so I can get rid of all of this excess baggage. Literally. 

The Next Post.

So, here it is, the inevitable has happened. The one promise I made to myself this year was to not work myself to the ground.

The one condition I said for returning to my current job was I wasn't going to get to the point when every little action or comment got to me. I was going to make sure that I didn't run myself to the ground. Today I have failed. I am currently at the point where I am too exhausted to function properly and I'm not quite sure how I am making it through the day.

One fact that I must point out; it is not to say I haven't enjoyed the things I have done to be so busy. I have thoroughly enjoyed every second. However I have now realised it's all caught up with me and I can't go on being this pointlessly stressed, purely because of not sleeping enough. I know I've said it in my last couple of blogs, but I can't stress the point enough of how important it is to rest. If you have two days off work, plan nothing if you've either worked extra or been on an adventure. I know I'm doing that, that's for sure. 

For once though, I am proud of myself. I'm proud of the fact that I'm not an emotional wreck and having panic/ anxiety attacks and blaming it on everything/ everybody else but myself. Instead, I have taken the slightly more mature approach and called the one woman I love most, my mum, told her that I was exhausted and that something was about to happen. She, and myself in a way, managed to stop it in time. 

So in a way I have learnt something from all of this: obviously listen to my own advice and understand that my anxiety has definitely not been 100% cured. 

However something I have genuinely learnt is that even if I don't think my anxiety will ever be cured, I can sure as hell control it a lot better than before. I've stood up to my problems, faced them head on and found a way to fight it. 

That battle of my emotions has begun... 

Bring. It. On.

Number 8.

So today is one of them days where I have tried to cheer myself up so badly, but for some reason can't. It's frustrating because I woke up in a bad mood and have been feeling so great lately. All I am saying is: it's amazing how much one little detail can change the course of your day.

The feeling of not knowing if you have wronged someone is always an awful feeling. It's what paranoia stupidly does to me. It's what anxiety unfortunately does to me. Every little thing I do is always backed up by a question and I'm frankly getting sick of thinking that something is always wrong when it actually isn't. I know I'm not perfect but some reassurance is all that's needed. 

I'm one of them people who feels the need to prove themselves to others so they can be valued as a friend. I try my damned hardest in everything I do, none more so than being there for my friends whenever I can. It's starting to grate on me when I don't get the same appreciation back. Treat others how you wish to be treated. It's not rocket science. 

Realising that I'm running myself to the ground is not good, and I've done that this week or two for celebratory reason; but every action has a consequence, think about it. I now have to deal with the fact that I missed out on a couple of things because I was so busy doing something else. 

One lesson I've learnt today: Karma is a bitch.

I just need to listen to my own advice and relax for a bit now. Relaxing officially starts from tonight.

Starting right now... 

The First in a Long Time.

As the title of this post suggests, it has been a really long time since I wrote a blog. That's not to say I have not been thinking about it: if anything I have been trying to live it, breathe it and make it my own.

Many drafts of this have been thought about and written down, and some have been practically hellish to read or talk about. However, looking back on my drafts I have one simple conclusion: I repeat myself about the things that worry me and the truth is I have far fewer worries in my life than I make out to have.

There have been many obstacles over these last few months, none more so than my self doubt and all time low in confidence. I feel like I have overcome just some of these, or at the very least tried, and I am finally starting to feel like my happy self again. I must point out that this doesn't mean I am beaming with confidence and am willing to do/wear/say things I wouldn't usually, it just means that I've settled with what I have and I'm really glad with the results. I can't remember the last time I felt comfortable with where I am, how my life is lived and who I am as a person. I don't like to think that I've changed my ways or I've turned over a new leaf; that's for people who need a drastic change to realise their faults. 

I feel like all I've done is grow up. Yes, I still worry about matters previously mentioned in my blogs but the main reason for such a delay in my posts is that I am coming to the realisation that there's all the time in the world to achieve the things I want to, to have the desires I crave for. I don't need all the things I thought I did to get to where I am now. The little things matter just as much as the big ones. 

These last few weeks have been full of surprises, some have been absolutely wonderful, some not so much, but one thing I can guarantee from this time: with the people I have, old and new, that have been there for me throughout this, I feel completely on top of the world. I've made new friends, a new life, caught up with old friends, had a cracking birthday, and most of all, I've had time to relax. I can't stress enough how important it is to just take that one day off from everything and everyone, sit in your pjs and do f*** all. It's bliss. 

Now is the time I start living life as I want to, and face things when they come at me, and not anticipating the next bad thing that will come my way. Now is the time for a slightly more grown up me. 

Lucky Number 7

I hope the title remains true... Some good luck could really do with coming my way some time soon, please. 

I have noticed that my blogs are getting further and further apart. It's not that I'm not interested, it's just that I'm just working a lot again and have more to talk about and more to condense. 

It was a testing week for me this week; my first week back at my old job but in a new department. If there was one word to describe my week: different. I can't believe how much it is different than what I am used to. It's relaxing, inviting and has potential to be exciting- but I'm not holding my breath. 

I'm trying to keep quiet and keep my distance but as my previous blogs have vaguely told, I'm not very good at doing either. However, this is my lesson for the week that I need to try and teach myself: try and keep your distance, stay quiet and just listen.

The one thing my mother and my wifey (my best friend) have always told me; it's that I am far too nice to people and therefore end up trusting too easily. It's got me into terrible situations. It's got me spiked 3 times, it's got me into counselling sessions, and most of all it's made me insecure and anxious constantly. It made 2013 completely diabolical. 

This blog, along with other things, has made me realise that I just need to at least TRY and snap out of it. Not everyone is like me, yeah it sucks that trust in humanity has decreased so recently, but I need to snap out of it- if I carry on being so sensitive and trusting then finding that special someone for me will be so much harder. And incase you haven't gathered by now, I still hate being single. 

So that's it for probably another week now, maybe there'll be some fabulous news coming soon. Fingers crossed! 

How long can I stay quiet for? Who knows? Let's see...

Here goes nothing...

6...

So... It's been one hell of a week. I can't describe how busy and hectic my life has been recently. On the plus side though, it is all for the better. I have made a fair amount of bold moves and decisions which will have affected my life professionally and personally. 


I'm obviously not going to go into specifics, it's not right to do so publicly but the main bold move in my life this week is that I have left the job I loved for another opportunity. The fact is that my old job was not enough money, and if I could've taken my fellow managers with me I would. They are two of the greatest people I have ever known and am privileged to call them my friends. It was such a lovely little place to work but sometimes, I've learnt, in life you have to be a little bit selfish. It pays to be selfish- BUT NOT ALL THE TIME. I had to think about my finances, my independence and most importantly my pride.

I am returning to an old job, but in a different department. The reasons for this decision is again not for here but even though I am going back to similar circumstances I can't help but be extremely worried. I'm worried about what people think of me, I'm worried about people judging me and I'm worried about seeing certain people again as I haven't, and can't right now, physically prepare myself for that. I don't want to be someone who can't make their mind up all the time and come begging; I am not that type of person. 

If you may or may not have guessed by now, I worry way too much and my paranoia takes the better of me most of the time. My biggest fault is that I assume the worst in everything when it comes to my life. The last year or so has been the worst and best time. Literally; could not be more of an extreme year. 2013 was the worst year of my life. Fact. If I can achieve anything from this blog, it is to make sure I don't do this crap anymore; it's the main reason I get down so much. 

I am such a positive person when it comes to other people and their lives, so why can't I be like that with mine? If anybody can offer me tips then that would be awesome. I need to admit that there are some things I can't do completely on my own, I need someone else to help out here and there. Maybe it's time to start working out when that's the case. Let's see...

Here goes nothing... 

5th Post... Post haste.

In honour of some dear friends I called the post title the one I did... So there you go guys, just for you! 

If today can be described in one word it's productive. It's been productive physically, mentally, and most of all emotionally. Not only do I feel like a massive weight has been lifted out of my wardrobe and my house, but it's been lifted off of my shoulders. 

I'm going to keep this blog relatively short and sweet. I don't feel like I need to write today of all my philosophical discoveries; I've been too busy living them and realising that writing everything down really is my preferred form of "therapy". 

It may have only been a week since I wrote this, but today is the first time where I've felt like it has actually meant something. Today is the start of me acknowledging that I have therapy. I have resolutions. Everyone has their own way of coping with issues. This is mine. 

How long will I feel this good? Who knows? Let's see...

Here goes nothing! 

May the 4th Be With You

So yeah, it isn't the 4th of May, heck it isn't even the 4th but it is my 4th post so I can get away with using that title. 

Today and yesterday have been full of surprises and spontaneity and I love it! I've not felt this happy and comfortable in my own skin for a long time. It's rather a strange but lovely feeling; and it's safe to say that I have this blog and the viewers to thank for it. I have been so overwhelmed by people's reactions to this it has made me feel inspired to keep this up and turn it into a more permanent and prominent feature in my life. I've had all sorts of reactions, however none negative. I've had someone start a blog because of me, I've had people say it has made them think about their life and I've had people say it's amazing. Words can't describe how satisfying it feels to know that someone is talking about you and your work in a positive light. 

It's almost like a new confidence and my teachings are working for others; now it's just time to get them to work for me. If there is one lesson I want to teach myself it's that being honest and not hiding what you think is not such a bad thing. There are a lot of thoughts going on in my head right now; and have been for a long time. If there is one word that describes me as a person... honestly... it's scared. I am terrified of telling people exactly what goes in in my head, incase of people not wanting to know me the way they do. 

Admitting such a thing is a big deal to me; I would never say something as bold or brash as this usually. However, if there is anything this blog has told me, it's freedom of speech. The last three blogs wrote of what to think about, what to do with my life. This blog is me living it; proof of me embracing all that I've said so far and acknowledging just a few of my faults. I wish I could just tell the world everything and exactly how I feel, but I'm not sure I'm that confident yet. I just want to see what the world has to offer now; I can't wait. How long will I be this happy for? Who knows?

Let's see...

Third Time Lucky.

It may sound like an awful cliché but sometimes I count myself lucky, sometimes I count my blessings. Either way I have to count up everything in my life. 

Today I can count how many wonderful people I have in my life... Well not exactly; but I can assure you that it is a lot more than I ever expected. Today has been such an eye opener, and the teaching from my first blog has become so apparent. Unfortunately it was on my side- I was idiotic to assume that certain people would react certain ways to news or events. I was quick to judge, quick to assume the worst in people. 

Because of these wonderful people I have realised two things today: 1) Expect the unexpected. 2) Never assume the worst in people. 

The people that have been around me today have surprised me. I am so grateful for who I have, everything I have. Today is a day where I can truly count my blessings. I cannot quite believe how understanding and welcoming people can be, whether they be a best friend or a stranger. From now on I will not assume, otherwise it'll make me worry about the consequences; and let's face it, at 24 going on 25, I am way too young to be anxious about life and everything it throws at me. Life is too short to worry so much; embrace everything and everyone that life throws at you. So how long will I keep this up? How long will I not worry for? Who knows? Let's see...

Here goes nothing...

Round Two.

Today I feel ready to tackle the first of my tribulations. I'm not expecting it to be a startling revelation that will change my life, just the beginning of a long lasting resolution. 

If there is one thing that I am possibly most afraid of in life, it is being on my own. I hate it when I'm in the house on my own. I hate falling asleep and waking up on my own. I hate feeling like I'm on my own. The fact is though, I am on my own. I am grateful for who I have in my life and the amount of love and respect I have for them is unparalleled, but I don't have that someone who constantly makes me feel loved. And as much as I hate admitting it, I am not enjoying being single one bit. I want someone to love me, be with me, appreciate me.

This tribulation is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to being confused. Yesterday the one thing I aimed to come to terms with was the idea that people judge you for anything; today I'm learning that nothing is simple and nothing will ever always go to plan perfectly. Just when I think something is going my way, or at least how I would like it to, something or someone throws a curveball.

Now if there is one thing my mother has always said, it's that I struggle to cope with anything that doesn't go according to my exact plan. I have always refused to admit it, denied any form of struggle. However as this is part of my 'therapy', it is now time to give in and declare: MUM, YOU WERE RIGHT. It is this situation, this tribulation that has made me realise it. The truth is I am struggling being on my own, however when someone comes along I don't know how to handle it and thus steer them away from me. And because I struggle I crave for it even more. I hope this changes soon. Maybe admitting it is the first of many steps. Who knows? Let's see...


Here goes nothing...

The First Post.

So, here it is, my first blog. 

I know that they can be used for many different reasons, whether they be professional or personal. Sometimes they can be a record breaker or merely an ice breaker. However no matter what way you think of it, everyone has different reasons for doing them.

My reason is for myself, my therapy as such- though using such a serious word is not my forte. That's because I don't like the idea of needing a therapy; it terrifies me but I accept it. It's for me to write what's on my mind with less fear of ridicule. Honesty is the best policy and even though this may be public and people can read it, if I need to be honest with anyone then it's myself.

There are a lot of confusions and tribulations which are probably nothing to some but mean a lot to me. The worry of people judging you I'm sure is a worry to most but the constant need to impress and keep everyone happy feels like such a personal and unique trait that it makes me more determined. This determination can be detrimental as the fact is: people will judge you for anything. They say they won't, but I can guarantee they will, heck I bet people will judge me for this. 
The first of my tribulations is this exact issue, I get so afraid of people judging me sometimes that letting go is proving to be difficult. So this a test, the first test. How well does someone react when they have been openly honest with themselves for the first time in a very long time? Let's see...


Here goes nothing.