I Just Don't Know What to Do with Myself.

There's been two things I've realised about myself, two big things, that have led me to writing this particular blog post. This may seem very generic to anyone who has been reading my previous blogs but I feel like my discoveries have helped me understand myself a bit more and now I can attempt to evolve, rather than change. 

First discovery: a friend of mine a long time ago once told me that I can never just be by myself- I always have to pine for someone, be attracted to someone. I used to profusely deny this statement. Now I realise he was completely right. I am almost dependent on wanting somebody that I forget it's okay to be single, it's like I've convinced myself that being single is the worst possible outcome in life. It's not. Obviously the fact that my anxiety is triggered by being on my own is probably not the ideal in terms of independence, but at least I can now attempt to convince myself that being single is okay. 

Second discovery: most, if not all, of my blog posts are about love, or relationships, or romance. I've been wondering why on earth this is the case for an age. I've been concerning myself that I am actually quite boring and my anxiety seems like nothing because the main thing that worries me is the concept of being in a relationship. As I have previously stated, it is because I associate being single with being on my own- I don't like the word single but it is what I am. After an amazing holiday I got talking with a friend of mine from said holiday. We got into a pretty deep conversation when she asked "what do you want from life?". It took me back because I said straight away "I want to be someone's wife, someone's love of their life. Some people want kids, some people want the career, some people want the fame, but I want the man in my life who loves me unconditionally." I promise you, no word of a lie, that is exactly what I said. It maybe because of the type of films I watch, or the fact that I am a sucker for romance, but for the first time in my entire life, I know exactly what I want. That is scary and yet wonderful for me. It may seem ridiculous for most but I would happily go my whole life searching for the right man. He must be out there, surely? 

It's not that I don't want the dream job, the nice house and car and everything I have been working hard for my whole life. It is just that the right man for me seems as if that's the way everything will fall into place. I don't know whether it's because I don't have any of my dreams currently now or what but for now I can just keep believing that whoever this guy is, is thinking the same about me now. 

Fit to burst...

One thing comes to mind when I try and calmly put what I have been through with a particular subject these last few months.

The one thing that comes to mind every time I have tried to write this is the film Mean Girls. There's a particular section of the film that rings alarm bells every time I think about it, and I know it is so accurate to everything to do with it at the moment. This is the part I am on about: 

"Aaron Samuels, for example, he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize."

Not exactly in this context but that first question and answer rings so true to me right now. I didn't think  it was possible to be this broken over something that's always portrayed as something so simple to achieve. These last few months has been absolute hell for my emotions, but it has taken one last push to make me able to write this calmly and not in a massive rant like I published before, and then swiftly removed. I regret publishing it but do not regret writing it. It's essentially exactly how I feel, and I will keep it on me for a long time yet.

Why did I delete it? Because even though I have been hurt to the point of me not sleeping or eating properly, I don't want to hurt them in the same way. Because I'm too damn nice (something I have been told way too many times). That's assuming they care about me in that way too. I want to find that inner bitch, like Janis says to Cady, to say what I actually do. 

So, instead of being completely rude and angry (like my last post), I am now going to post parts of it- just to give you a glimpse into what I'm feeling. I'm not ready for everything yet as I've let the wrong people in already: 

It annoys the living hell out of me and I'm not sure how much longer I can stand being walked all over before I snap at the wrong person and make them leave my life for good. 

I am sick of making so much effort with who I think are right people and then they turn out to  just use me and think "oh it's only Hester, she'll understand". It makes me so frustrated that I'm leaving out some of the best people in my life because my mind is so deluded.

I don't understand the harm in just acknowledging you've done something wrong to me before actually speaking to me again. Please don't make me false promises and  please don't tell me things that I want to hear then never commit to it. Don't tell me that my 'personality is lovely'... I know exactly what you're trying to tell me. 

Thanks to this I'm not eating properly, I'm not sleeping properly - more and more every day. 

Please stop taking advantage of my already damaged heart. 

The last line explains is so perfectly that I don't actually know how to finish this post, apart from saying it again: 

Please stop taking advantage of my already damaged heart.