Bugger.

So... Monday morning, the one thing I had been dreading for a long time now happened. And I hate myself for it. I don't even know why it happened, what my trigger was, but it did. 

I was walking round my scenic, beautiful place of work when it hit me like a freight train. This sudden sense of panic kicked in. I was panicking because I thought I was a failure, because I was struggling and scared to do something on my own. On top of this I was trying to fight off my exhaustion; I was literally running on fumes. I had a panic attack. My first one in a long time. I went to the top of where I was in the pure hope that I could calm myself down, but I couldn't. Not only had I failed my team, my manager, but I had failed myself. I've not felt this devastated in a long time. This devastation caused me to be tearful even more at the first point of human contact, which was thankfully my sister; if it had been anybody else I would have seemed like a mentalist. 

You know them mornings when you wake up feeling like everyone hates you and you dread stepping out in public? Well I don't know if everyone has them, but I do, and this morning was one of the most painful ones yet. I have so many people on my mind that probably think less of me, or at the least temporarily dislike me. It all relates back to Monday. I feel so incredibly bad for the people that were around me then as I was not in my right frame of mind. 

If anything, this experience hasn't exactly upset me, it has pissed me off more than anything. I thought I was doing so well, and I genuinely feel a lot better in myself as a person, but at least I know what I have to do to stop it happening again. For now, I have to think of myself as number one. No-one is going to put my needs first, so someone needs to! I know where my mistakes were, and I know I can avoid it happening so badly, but I can't lie in saying that that awful Monday morning was a terrifying eye-opener. 

It's not about me wanting to change anymore, it's about me needing to change. 

I promise you all, as of from now, I am evolving. I am going to develop my skills and change my perception on my conditions so I can get rid of all of this excess baggage. Literally.