I Just Don't Know What to Do with Myself.

There's been two things I've realised about myself, two big things, that have led me to writing this particular blog post. This may seem very generic to anyone who has been reading my previous blogs but I feel like my discoveries have helped me understand myself a bit more and now I can attempt to evolve, rather than change. 

First discovery: a friend of mine a long time ago once told me that I can never just be by myself- I always have to pine for someone, be attracted to someone. I used to profusely deny this statement. Now I realise he was completely right. I am almost dependent on wanting somebody that I forget it's okay to be single, it's like I've convinced myself that being single is the worst possible outcome in life. It's not. Obviously the fact that my anxiety is triggered by being on my own is probably not the ideal in terms of independence, but at least I can now attempt to convince myself that being single is okay. 

Second discovery: most, if not all, of my blog posts are about love, or relationships, or romance. I've been wondering why on earth this is the case for an age. I've been concerning myself that I am actually quite boring and my anxiety seems like nothing because the main thing that worries me is the concept of being in a relationship. As I have previously stated, it is because I associate being single with being on my own- I don't like the word single but it is what I am. After an amazing holiday I got talking with a friend of mine from said holiday. We got into a pretty deep conversation when she asked "what do you want from life?". It took me back because I said straight away "I want to be someone's wife, someone's love of their life. Some people want kids, some people want the career, some people want the fame, but I want the man in my life who loves me unconditionally." I promise you, no word of a lie, that is exactly what I said. It maybe because of the type of films I watch, or the fact that I am a sucker for romance, but for the first time in my entire life, I know exactly what I want. That is scary and yet wonderful for me. It may seem ridiculous for most but I would happily go my whole life searching for the right man. He must be out there, surely? 

It's not that I don't want the dream job, the nice house and car and everything I have been working hard for my whole life. It is just that the right man for me seems as if that's the way everything will fall into place. I don't know whether it's because I don't have any of my dreams currently now or what but for now I can just keep believing that whoever this guy is, is thinking the same about me now. 

Fit to burst...

One thing comes to mind when I try and calmly put what I have been through with a particular subject these last few months.

The one thing that comes to mind every time I have tried to write this is the film Mean Girls. There's a particular section of the film that rings alarm bells every time I think about it, and I know it is so accurate to everything to do with it at the moment. This is the part I am on about: 

"Aaron Samuels, for example, he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize."

Not exactly in this context but that first question and answer rings so true to me right now. I didn't think  it was possible to be this broken over something that's always portrayed as something so simple to achieve. These last few months has been absolute hell for my emotions, but it has taken one last push to make me able to write this calmly and not in a massive rant like I published before, and then swiftly removed. I regret publishing it but do not regret writing it. It's essentially exactly how I feel, and I will keep it on me for a long time yet.

Why did I delete it? Because even though I have been hurt to the point of me not sleeping or eating properly, I don't want to hurt them in the same way. Because I'm too damn nice (something I have been told way too many times). That's assuming they care about me in that way too. I want to find that inner bitch, like Janis says to Cady, to say what I actually do. 

So, instead of being completely rude and angry (like my last post), I am now going to post parts of it- just to give you a glimpse into what I'm feeling. I'm not ready for everything yet as I've let the wrong people in already: 

It annoys the living hell out of me and I'm not sure how much longer I can stand being walked all over before I snap at the wrong person and make them leave my life for good. 

I am sick of making so much effort with who I think are right people and then they turn out to  just use me and think "oh it's only Hester, she'll understand". It makes me so frustrated that I'm leaving out some of the best people in my life because my mind is so deluded.

I don't understand the harm in just acknowledging you've done something wrong to me before actually speaking to me again. Please don't make me false promises and  please don't tell me things that I want to hear then never commit to it. Don't tell me that my 'personality is lovely'... I know exactly what you're trying to tell me. 

Thanks to this I'm not eating properly, I'm not sleeping properly - more and more every day. 

Please stop taking advantage of my already damaged heart. 

The last line explains is so perfectly that I don't actually know how to finish this post, apart from saying it again: 

Please stop taking advantage of my already damaged heart.

The R Words...

The two R words that are always on a girl's mind... Relationships and Romance. These have been on my mind a lot, ever since I was a little girl, but I'm at a time in my life where I realise that the two words do not necessarily come hand in hand anymore. The tradition of romance is definitely fading. Well it may not be to most, but in my life it most definitely is. 

I'm going to go through these two words one at a time: 

* Relationships:

 They are a ball ache. Fact. They can be an exciting, exhilarating and amazing time, but they require a lot of effort. These days they seem harder to come by. However, as much as I love the idea of a relationship right now, I have recently discovered that there is a fine line between what constitutes a relationship and what doesn't. The issue is whether you are willing to cross it or not. I firmly believe that every person, at some point in their life, will have two types of friend: the one of the gender you're usually attracted to that you are not personally attracted to, but you will always be friends. Then there's the other, the one friend of the gender you're attracted to that you will always have feelings for and always end up going back to. Somehow, someway, it will happen. I can guarantee. That's the only time that the line should ever become apparent, and my advice... If the line is clear as day then cross it, if it's blurred then question whether it's worth it. At the end of the day, if they value you so much then they will be friends with you no matter what. 

This line keeps appearing to me recently, I'm trying to live my life by myself for a while, but the more I'm by myself the more I realise that the answer has been trying to get to me for a long time. I'm just hoping that if it ever comes to it that I am brave enough to cross that line. 

* Romance: 

I have always been a big fan of romance, the soppier the better for me, but with my history, I am questioning the importance of regular romance. I don't know whether it's because I've always been so traditional in my ideologies or whether it is simply because I watch too much Disney, but sometimes I wonder if it just me that never seems to receive it. Sometimes I think to myself that I want it so much that I end up watching a film just to see it. Then the endless cycle begins of if I see it I get down because it's not happening to me, but I enjoy seeing it too much. 

Is it too much to ask for a girl to ask for one romantic gesture?

If anybody is willing to volunteer for it then it would be greatly received! Haha. I am, of course, joking. I'm not going to force it on to anyone. 

To me, romance is a sign that someone really enjoys your company and wants to be with you for who you are, and the best way of someone telling you that they want you, and only you. 

My issue is this: I'm too busy fantasising about the connection between these two R words that I'm blinded by what's in front of me. I need to grasp what is obvious and go with it, rather than force a situation in which someone may become uncomfortable by the idea of having to be romantic to be with me. I'm not saying that you have to be romantic to make a relationship work, or to be with me, but that one little gesture goes a long, long way.  I'm simply too scared to approach the line and see if romance is on the other side. 

A Pleasant Surprise.

Well the last day or two have been a sign for me. A sign of a positive change, an improvement upon my character.

I have started to gain something back that I never thought was possible today, after the last couple of years knocked me back: Confidence. 

I have surprised myself, I've had the guts to talk to people I don't usually and have been able to stand up for myself in situations I otherwise wouldn't be able to. I shocked myself as I had been kidding myself that it wouldn't happen, but I did. And even though I don't feel any different I believe it's one of the biggest accomplishments so far on my journey to identification. 

This could, quite frankly, not come at a better time as I now have a nice few days off to relax, drink, and most excitingly of all go to a festival with my two most favourite people in this entire world. I will strangely miss work and my team lots, but I have so much to look forward to in my time off. 

This post is short, and short for a reason. Because I discovered something by doing/ saying so little, which is strange coming from someone as talkative as me! 

Here is to my much needed time off. Bring. It. On! 

Bugger.

So... Monday morning, the one thing I had been dreading for a long time now happened. And I hate myself for it. I don't even know why it happened, what my trigger was, but it did. 

I was walking round my scenic, beautiful place of work when it hit me like a freight train. This sudden sense of panic kicked in. I was panicking because I thought I was a failure, because I was struggling and scared to do something on my own. On top of this I was trying to fight off my exhaustion; I was literally running on fumes. I had a panic attack. My first one in a long time. I went to the top of where I was in the pure hope that I could calm myself down, but I couldn't. Not only had I failed my team, my manager, but I had failed myself. I've not felt this devastated in a long time. This devastation caused me to be tearful even more at the first point of human contact, which was thankfully my sister; if it had been anybody else I would have seemed like a mentalist. 

You know them mornings when you wake up feeling like everyone hates you and you dread stepping out in public? Well I don't know if everyone has them, but I do, and this morning was one of the most painful ones yet. I have so many people on my mind that probably think less of me, or at the least temporarily dislike me. It all relates back to Monday. I feel so incredibly bad for the people that were around me then as I was not in my right frame of mind. 

If anything, this experience hasn't exactly upset me, it has pissed me off more than anything. I thought I was doing so well, and I genuinely feel a lot better in myself as a person, but at least I know what I have to do to stop it happening again. For now, I have to think of myself as number one. No-one is going to put my needs first, so someone needs to! I know where my mistakes were, and I know I can avoid it happening so badly, but I can't lie in saying that that awful Monday morning was a terrifying eye-opener. 

It's not about me wanting to change anymore, it's about me needing to change. 

I promise you all, as of from now, I am evolving. I am going to develop my skills and change my perception on my conditions so I can get rid of all of this excess baggage. Literally. 

The Next Post.

So, here it is, the inevitable has happened. The one promise I made to myself this year was to not work myself to the ground.

The one condition I said for returning to my current job was I wasn't going to get to the point when every little action or comment got to me. I was going to make sure that I didn't run myself to the ground. Today I have failed. I am currently at the point where I am too exhausted to function properly and I'm not quite sure how I am making it through the day.

One fact that I must point out; it is not to say I haven't enjoyed the things I have done to be so busy. I have thoroughly enjoyed every second. However I have now realised it's all caught up with me and I can't go on being this pointlessly stressed, purely because of not sleeping enough. I know I've said it in my last couple of blogs, but I can't stress the point enough of how important it is to rest. If you have two days off work, plan nothing if you've either worked extra or been on an adventure. I know I'm doing that, that's for sure. 

For once though, I am proud of myself. I'm proud of the fact that I'm not an emotional wreck and having panic/ anxiety attacks and blaming it on everything/ everybody else but myself. Instead, I have taken the slightly more mature approach and called the one woman I love most, my mum, told her that I was exhausted and that something was about to happen. She, and myself in a way, managed to stop it in time. 

So in a way I have learnt something from all of this: obviously listen to my own advice and understand that my anxiety has definitely not been 100% cured. 

However something I have genuinely learnt is that even if I don't think my anxiety will ever be cured, I can sure as hell control it a lot better than before. I've stood up to my problems, faced them head on and found a way to fight it. 

That battle of my emotions has begun... 

Bring. It. On.

Number 8.

So today is one of them days where I have tried to cheer myself up so badly, but for some reason can't. It's frustrating because I woke up in a bad mood and have been feeling so great lately. All I am saying is: it's amazing how much one little detail can change the course of your day.

The feeling of not knowing if you have wronged someone is always an awful feeling. It's what paranoia stupidly does to me. It's what anxiety unfortunately does to me. Every little thing I do is always backed up by a question and I'm frankly getting sick of thinking that something is always wrong when it actually isn't. I know I'm not perfect but some reassurance is all that's needed. 

I'm one of them people who feels the need to prove themselves to others so they can be valued as a friend. I try my damned hardest in everything I do, none more so than being there for my friends whenever I can. It's starting to grate on me when I don't get the same appreciation back. Treat others how you wish to be treated. It's not rocket science. 

Realising that I'm running myself to the ground is not good, and I've done that this week or two for celebratory reason; but every action has a consequence, think about it. I now have to deal with the fact that I missed out on a couple of things because I was so busy doing something else. 

One lesson I've learnt today: Karma is a bitch.

I just need to listen to my own advice and relax for a bit now. Relaxing officially starts from tonight.

Starting right now...